Being a girl in India or how dare they be naked under their underwear!

Apparently this is a trending topic online these days. Cute! But we haven't got there yet! It does make you think, and it is amusing, but it is also ambiguous. Because most of these  could be said in relation to Indian boys too, except for the round roti or dosa in the South, and the eating bit. And it can be pointed out too that too much of alcohol and porn can be detrimental to one's mental and physical well being. If the intention is just to provoke, it is fine. But we must be aware that we are giving ammunition to the perpetrators again, to say the least. As it is, this satire is a luxury that we cannot afford yet. When the common man thinks that girls and women are asking for it, if they are attacked, that it is  for our own good that we are not allowed out, we have our work cut out for us. No one seems to be interested in changing the underlying cause for this need for special "protection or persecution" of women. How come these same men know how to behave once they go to other countries? In India they want that "difference" perpetuated - simple economic matter. The distribution of money/power, the holding on to it. Controlling women, and by that, their sexuality is the only way they can be overpowered, the premise being all girls are bad, from before they are born. Naked under the underwear bad.  How dare they be naked under their underwear!! Not that the common man or woman is aware of that deep truth, or has the time or inclination to know it. They just take the easy way out, follow the herd. Keep the woman inside. Everything will be fine. What if these evil men broke in? Will they have to kill off all the girls to "save" them? Oh, I forgot, we do kill off baby girls.
It is not the outfit, it is not the hair, it is not age, or class or caste - latest news - elderly Indian nun raped .

Still it is sad that it is hard for us to appreciate the humor and the message in this colorful strip. Why? Because the reality is that it is hard to be a girl in India -- good or bad. Jyoti and a thousand other Jyotis proved that. That is the main reason, I am ashamed to say, that I grabbed the first chance to escape. And no, it is not the actions of a few mad men. It is the reflection of how many Indians, educated or not, consider the girl, the woman. For them, girls are not equal to boys. We are not talking about what boys can do, girls can do better kind of equality. Just plain human being equality, as opposed to lower than animal level thinking. Listening to them talk, we would think we are not human. Some raise us to that impossibly high mother/goddess- standard, and others lower us to dirt level. We cannot win either way, let alone afford to laugh at the above fun piece, as things are now.


But then if people want to pretend they do not know what is meant here, in this picture, then we can do nothing about that. Remember my last essay on this? (Going to see an English movie (let alone porn!) was frowned upon when I was at University. Not that we did it all the time - the antisocial elements around made sure of that. But once in a blue moon we tried, I remember when "Gorillas in the Mist" came to our town. My friends and I took the bus to town a few miles away from our campus. And lo and behold, there were a small group of male students following us! Not from our department - anyway they followed us around town to the theater, sat right behind us making nasty comments, laughing and altogether titillated. Of course we were laughing at them - quietly - always pretend not to see them - do not provoke the beast! Once the movie started, and they saw that it was not porn, they got up and left. haha. And these were University students!) 


Anyway - the main point, which is still beyond the grasp of our girls,  is or should be the one about our (man or woman) right to choose for ourselves, once we are old enough to know. It could be my profession, it could be my partner in life, it could be that I want to live my life on my own terms, as much as possible. As it is now, the conditioning from our families, and our schools and colleges which are naturally religious institutions, is so successful, that some of us who act "free" or "fearless' by Indian standards, still are worried what "they" would say, or think! That image of the "good" girl has to be maintained at all costs. While growing up, we are trained to please everyone around us, and even those with whom we have no real connection to! And if we rebel, we are branded "bad". Girls' determination is translated as stubbornness, arrogance, and selfishness. Men have to deal with this too, I admit, but to a lesser degree - after all, boys will be boys - everyone accepts that in the end. Even the sense of humor of a girl has to be controlled - they have to be above all that! Or else they will again be branded as bad or immoral or even crazy! Or worse, they are looking for sex! with anyone! well - they said that if you cut your hair! or drank black tea, when you had a tummy ache. You walk around in the town, they think you are public property. In the above picture, they talk of partying! Some of us did not want to party - just wanted to study, get ahead. That was seen to be bad!Imagine what it would be  if I were partying then! But I get the idea - if they had let me study, say abroad, or in another state, what if I did party? Oh no! that is taboo. Most of the time religion is brought in as a controlling weapon. As if God has no other business but to control women!

In India, the reality is that  even now, even in the best of homes, what makes a girl good is her obedience to whatever the elders wanted her to say, to do, and even to think. No matter how outdated or downright stupid it is, or totally detrimental to her growth as a fully mature, responsible human. Obviously we are not human . As said before,  "how dare you are naked under your underwear?" But when the main goal or ideal in the Indian girl's life is supposed to be pleasing the men, then it is  going to be a hard fight. Women themselves buy into that way of thinking, and fail to support other women. It is a rivalry, a fight for survival. well - it is a man's world. And the sooner we learn that if we are to survive, we have to manipulate the men and other women, we succeed! Or not. As the case may be. And those who don't want to play that game, or are too "good", too well-conditioned, they lose.

Not letting girls be who they want to be, putting obstacles in their way of growth, at every turn, pulling them down whenever they try to fly,  let alone train them to stand on their own feet are the norms there.  The invisible now illegal dowry system doesn't help at all, showing us the economic basis of all these oppression and inequalities. Not educating everyone on the necessity for change in attitudes, and then blaming them as burdens on the family, is not smart or fair. But sadly, that is what is happening in India. It is easier to assume that all men are evil, and therefore girls should be shut up in their homes - easier for those men. But once you acknowledge that not all men are evil, that even bad men can be changed through education, only then can there be lasting change. The importance of empathy, the development of the so-called feminine qualities of kindness and forgiveness and nurture - these cannot be over emphasized. That should be the ideal that we move towards. To laugh it off, or to think that those men will never change, is doing a disservice to men's brains, to the entire human race itself. Again, I have to wonder at how fast these same "unchanging" male, once he comes to a western country manages to learn the lay of the land soon enough! So really good implementation of the law could bring about change! But there lies the problem in India - the law enforcers themselves are cut from the same cloth as these supposed dregs of society.

Related to this is the adage, "Know your station in life, and you will be happy, if you stick to it." No one likes an upstart. Why? America was built by upstarts. When the African Americans began to or tried to stand on their feet , they were called upstarts. Poets are upstarts, artists are upstarts. It is the fear of the Establishment.  People getting ideas. Of equal rights, of equal right to choose. Of losing their own station. But this is a big world - it can accommodate upstarts, old and new.

This putting people in their place, asking them if they haven't achieved enough, asking them to be content with what they have - after all they are better off than their predecessors -- that theme is not limited to race. It runs across nations, first world-third world, across classes, across the sexes. Wives , and women on the whole, are supposed to be put in their places. The dominant group does not want to share their privileges. They seriously believe in their divine right to have it all. They are the entitled ones, they are the chosen ones. You don't have to look too far to find the bases  of the elaborate rules and structures of caste system, of slavery, and of feudalism  It is just a question of perspective, really. Again!

Just remember that when you may make much ado about the petty presumed differences, an outsider won't see any such difference. Just as if a creature from another planet should see us humans -- I think to them we all belong to one race - the human race, whether you are a man or a woman, black, white, or brown.

Flowers that Bloomed in the Snow

This morning, I woke up to this wonderful sight. Reminded me of our old black & white movie sets for the song/dream sequences - white paper flowers, silver branches, a big, bold moon playing hide and seek among the white clouds . . . etc. (except here, the moon and the clouds are on the ground!) This morning, the scene was arranged so perfectly that it looked almost artificial! There was nothing there when I went to bed last night. The last remnant of the previous week's snowfall had melted away. But now - a world of difference,! Needless to say, the snow never ceases to amaze me, even after all these years.

Always manages to give me a jolt ! as if I am seeing it for the first time.

Sometimes in its stark and cruel, and well, cold way, ( the eerie stillness of all that ghost-like whiteness gets to me ) but mostly, it makes me exclaim at the beauty of it all. And when the sun hits it! It is as if sparkling sugar crystals are  sprinkled all over. Powdered sugar, whipped cream, cool frosting, glass-like glazing, clear candy cane icicles, cotton candy - you want to eat it all up! :) variety, thy name is snow! You are drawn to jump into it, to bury yourself in its softness, to let it blanket you in its frozen warmth. How easy it would be to drift away into oblivion, in that  embrace?(all this, from your cozy vantage point inside the house, I know!).  I am still in awe of even the huge mountains of snow that the snow- plows heap up. And the dirty half crystallized snow piles on the side of the road? Those look like sheared piles of sheep's wool to me. This snow is one thing that will never lose its magic for me.

My wonder is not surprising really. I come from a place where it never snows. Which has its own special qualities. Magical ones. But this experience of snow is something else. It can render one speechless. For a minute or two!  - I mean, I have heard that people who live in cold climes have more than one word for snow, and its different faces. That is, by the way, an understatement - they have a lot more than one - hundreds. And where I come from, we, that is, Malayalis/Keralites,  have just one word, as far as I know, unless we count Sanskrit. We have "manju" - which is deceptive totally. It could mean "the cold weather", and fog, and everything beyond that, connected to extreme cold.We have no corresponding word for "snow" as such.  And when you read that word in English, "manju" sounds like that usual name in India - Manju. The pronunciation is different. :) Anyway, now you get an idea as to my fascination for "manju".
( On the other hand, we have a few different words for rain.) just remembered - there is a Malayalam word for snow that we never get a chance to use in a normal conversation - it has its origins in Sanskrit - "himam" as in Himalaya - the abode of snow.

icicles like melting candle wax

snow cotton puffs

Also, my photos haven't done justice to the beauty, to what I saw. 

of mindfulness, and also of other less savory matters

Suddenly that word is everywhere - "mindfulness". There have been debates about its actual meaning. The word has its roots in Pali, and also in Sanskrit. It originates from Buddhist principles. This is how I understood it, after reading a little about it. Mindfulness is "to be aware". To be aware of the moment. Free from judgment. Just to be. It is a presence of mind where one accepts without confusion, what each moment brings - the emotions, the thoughts, the plans for future, the whole experience.

I think that in this age of self-conscious living, 'mindfulness", which is another level of consciousness, can be of great benefit. For instance it can aid in creating an empathetic society, not unlike the Buddhist ideal. Or that of other religions. Where it could differ is that it could in practice go beyond mere religious to- the- letter morality, where  great power is wielded by leaders who soon forget how to be compassionate or humane. Where we covertly do whatever we like without thinking of another's pain or humiliation, while we judge others openly.

( I just had to touch on that "kiss-revolution" going on in my state, Kerala. The older generation and some of the "holier-than-thou" younger generation reproach and condemn that as immoral and against tradition and altogether sleazy. But then that is their way of controlling the progressive youth, especially girls, of any generation. These judging hypocrites (who have done this and much more against true morality in their lives behind closed doors - including rape and murder of women and little boys and girls), conveniently forget that this whole drama started as an act of protest. They want to erase that true spirit behind it and instead focus everyone's attention on the supposed debauchery of these young people, destroy the morale of the activists.What better way to suppress it than to instill fear in the girls' minds by branding them as loose women who were asking for it? And unleash  anti-social elements, like rabid animals into their midst, as punishment? The so-called 'traditionalists" and "culture-ists" should hang their heads in shame.

I remember an incident from long ago during my university days. In our university auditorium, it was segregated seating - boys on one side, girls on the other. There was this program there once which was held by the students. The usual songs, dances, skits etc on the stage. Every time something like this took place, the girls' side would be full and the boys' section half-empty. What more, the girls sitting at the very back had to endure the catcalls and other stuff from the crowd immediately behind them - all men, not necessarily university students. Well, this time, when my friends and I got there, the girls' side was almost totally full. And I could see the hooligans at the back just waiting for us to get there, with unconcealed glee. If we were to stick to our designated sphere, we would have to go to this problem area. And the boys' side was totally empty. So according to my suggestion, my friends and I went and sat in the second row of the boys' side. Well, it was a statement on my part. It was not because I wanted to sit near boys. In fact we were 5 or 6 girls sitting together. and the chairs around us were vacant. And there was no boy there that I wanted to sit near to. Or may be the one that  I would've liked to sit next to, was not there! (not that even if he were there, I would have! )Anyway, before the program started, a Student leader came to us, and called us outside. He told me in a sleazy manner that they all would love to "interact" with girls "closely". He did some insinuating innuendo-filled gesture with his hands when he said that. Then he went on to say that we will not be allowed to sit there for our own protection. Protection from whom? From him? Yes, we would need it. But he should not have assumed that all the rest of the men there were like him. It was a University after all. But then he had a small group of similar-thinking sheepish looking guys with him, who seemed to agree with him. I will never forget the sarcastic tone and the salacious expression on his face when he gave his speech. And he was supposed to be an enlightened student. A leftist revolutionary. I felt humiliated, angry, powerless, and incredibly sad thinking of our society, of our girls.  We walked out of that place that day. So I know  how people can distort the truth, erase the spirit and the ideal behind situations, by degrading and maligning the act of protest, and focusing on incredibly spurious ideas that maintain the status quo. Women are not allowed to step out of the slots handed down to them by the males. They pretend not to understand that women do not want to step out into the world just to sleep with all men. Now if they had practised true mindfulness, they would think differently, with compassion, knowing the plight of women in my country, understanding  the need for change.)

On the other hand, this mindfulness  holds higher and evolving standards.  The advantage of this way of living -- as a mindful subject -- is that even if one does not believe in a God, you can still be a fully evolved human being.Or at least on our way to being one. Because when we  practice mindfulness we begin with our own minds.  We focus on what goes on in there. Each one of us is our own authority. Not some religious leader. We become responsible for our thought and thereby for our actions. We owe it to ourselves to be good and kind. When each person is good and kind to his or her own self, (because it makes him or her feel better on the whole) , then that could extend outward and spread and reach the whole society.

Mindfulness can be practiced, as in meditation. It is being used in many areas of our lives these days. Many government agencies, hospitals, schools, businesses and such have started using it as stress-reducing /healing method. Nothing wrong in that, as far as I can see. There is that fear in many scholars that commercialization of mindfulness will make us forget the real spirit of the whole process. Which is "social harmony" and compassion. They fear that it may just teach people to adapt to stress, for instance, rather than deal with the cause of that stress or strife in a compassionate, wise, and humane manner -- in other words, in the manner of that evolved being. Which is what the underlying ideals of many religions are, but everyone conveniently or ignorantly forgets that part. (And those who are really clever and successful in this world know how to use those ideals without themselves following them, to their advantage. But that is another story).

For me, the immediate step in mindfulness is that I would start with breathing mindfully. anything easy, I can do! Stop. Stand up straight. Shoulders back. Tummy in.  and take that deep slow breath, and exhale. That is centering. And cleansing. And then, I can use mindfulness when I eat.

astrology matters

Or rather matters of astrology. I am no astrologer. But I think I am a natural researcher. You may be doubtful, but let me explain. I like knowing stuff, and I am rather good at connecting the dots. Now, there have been times when I am way off the mark, and that has landed me in hot water a few times. yikes!
 However, there have also been many times when I've got it uncannily right. I may have that sixth sense! :)

Anyway -- what I am trying to say here is that down the years I have found and settled on a few astrologers online. At first I just used to read the horoscopes and promptly forget them. Soon I wanted to know more about it, and I started going behind the scene so to speak. Now I can cast a basic chart, more or less use an Ephemeris, and am more knowledgeable about the characteristics of the planets and the zodiac signs, and the houses.  I am not a fanatic believer, as moderation in anything is the ideal that I always try to follow (again, I fail miserably at times in that too). I would like to believe that there are more things out there that we do not know about completely - just so that we can entertain some hope in our day to day living. I do not think I am going to make a career out of this, but then we never know, do we? - mostly because my interests are too varied and I am more like a Jill of all trades and master of none.  Someone like that can never amount to much, materially, but still can be happy. :)

So I have  read what astrologers have to say, (Somewhere along the line, I decided not to spend time looking at the positions of the stars when it is already being done by these wonderful experts - I use that knowledge and build on that - always the easy way ) and do the observation bit on myself and others, and have kind of got an understanding as to how it all works. Still no expert, but like I said, I can connect the dots, bridge the gap, as my ultimate goal is very simple -  to make people, including myself,  believe in themselves, and just be happy in their own skin, as much as possible for each of us. To just use my commonsense and try to maintain my faith in human nature, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Walk a mile in their shoes... hopefully. Or just be.

 And so, I am not focused on predictions and prophesies - but more of a self-help kind of thing.  I believe that there are always things that are beyond our control, and others that are within our control. If we stopped and thought about it, we ourselves can realize that - sooner or later. The choices we make are influenced by the genes that were handed down, the upbringing we had, the society we lived in, the times we lived in, and the family we lived with - to sum up, our heredity, and our environment. And then the collective unconscious of a whole tribe, a region, a nation. Add to that our own free will. Our not inconsiderable ability to rise above the occasion at times, and to shoot ourselves in the foot, at other times. They tell us to learn from our mistakes, from our past, from other famous people, but there is one thing that sometimes defeat us - the march of time, that inevitable process of ageing. That inability to turn back the clock, go back in time, and fix everything. And with great age, comes great wisdom, and great foolishness and great helplessness. :) In the midst of all these, if the stars can give us a little insight, a little respite, I will take it. When they can help us prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Or vice versa. Because I do not think of them as all-powerful beings that are supposed to care about what happens to me.

Nevertheless, there is this germ of an idea that has taken root in my mind. It is about  the planet Jupiter. Every time that planet transits a sun sign, I read about the wonderful benefits that he bestows on the person. He is the great Benefic, they say. Looking back when Jupiter was in my sign ,over the years, that is in my First House of Self, I find that it may be true. I did enjoy some great blessings, including the birth of my son, when Jupiter was in Aquarius. But then the last time Jupiter entered my sign, I lost my father. Another coincidence - both my father and my son are Leos! During one Jupiter transit, a Leo came into my life, and in another, a Leo was taken away! By the way, Leo and Aquarius are opposite signs. Suddenly I remembered that one of my friends who had Jupiter in her sign the previous year, lost her father that same year. Soon I started looking at the charts of a few people I know, and there was a pattern. Of course it depends on the position of other planets in their signs  , like Saturn for instance, but there is some connection between Jupiter and death, which I am sure the real astrologers know. Astrologers say that we lose people and things that we do not need anymore. And that only when there is an empty space, that the universe can fill that space with something new, and better. May be true in a way. But it still hurts, when you lose something or someone precious, then I remember that pain is part of our human existence. Sometimes with great blessings, great hurts happen, and at other times, with great hurts, other great hurts happen. And to some, it looks like it's always sunshine. But then again, it all depends on our perspectives, and on how we choose to take it, doesn't it ? :)

An Education in Humanity(ies)

Aristotle and Alexander

I just happened to listen to a talk by Professor Leslie Epstein on Youtube. He was talking about the ignorance of the current college students. About their lack of knowledge and of interest in their own culture, history, and art in general, especially the older more “sublime” culture.

I agree with all that Epstein said, however, I also think that some changes are inevitable, and some changes are even necessary evils, necessary to survive in the modern world. Democratization of every cultural factor could lead to a leveling of old hierarchies even in the world of "culture". That is one cause of the end of the interest in the old Humanities. I believe all that knowledge and sensibilities of the past have been absorbed into the very DNA of the current generation, in a collective sense. And some other forms of those have evolved out of those, for better or for worse. Naturally, mutation occurred! Obviously they would tell the older generation that we are ignorant of a thing or two. It is a new world, a young world, and while people like me would keep looking back at the greener times, these citizens will keep looking to the future, sadly, sometimes a bleak one. When you really think about it, that older sublime culture also caused certain evils that are still beyond our understanding. There were wars and destruction well before the ones in video games.( ref. think of  Aristotle and Alexander.) The one difference again may be that what was exclusive to a handful now has been again, democratized, including the retelling of histories.

In spite of all that, another factor that deters the current generation from taking a look at the older forms of culture could be more mundane - finding a job. I see teenagers who are going to college now wondering how to opt out of applying to certain universities that has a mandatory core curriculum in Philosophy, Art, History and Literature. They see those subjects as useless and as a total waste of time. As long as the so called feminine qualities of empathy, forgiveness and selflessness are seen as weaknesses, and "giving in", and when success is measured by how much you earn, and how many you destroy, then the younger generation of any time in history, is going to avoid those, and any things that are related to it, like the plague.

Come to think of it, it is true in my case. All my literary studies haven't equipped me to survive in the real world, the one outside my home. That's what my son has seen. His father who has a professional degree makes a tangible difference in his and others' lives, while his mom with a literature degree (who always tries to think from the other's point of view, who tries to learn lessons from all experiences, who analyzes the tensions and sensibilities of the marginal in every movie and/or news item, while admiring the beauty in the method), remains this ridiculous eternal student. Relegated to the background, trying to win the approval of everyone, while forever tormented by discontent.

 And I can see why these kids have turned to skills and training.  Knowledge for knowledge's sake is not for them -- it is a means to an end -- to make a living.  I cannot dismiss this situation as a simple dichotomy between passion and reason, or art and science. To them people like me are dissociated from real life, life that is measured by fame and success, to which I tend to agree at times. Because where I come from, back then, we, especially girls who studied literature, who read books, were not trained for a job, let alone a career.. We just floated in some rarefied atmosphere, totally out of touch with reality. (Reading this you would think I lived in Victorian England, or in Bronte country. You are not far off the mark -- only thing is, like in the case of love, or just plain friendship with the opposite sex, Victorian women were better off- they had the odd curate lurking about. With us, the nuns monopolized the odd priests.)

The only facts for me were abstract ideas of freedom, truth, love, duty, and loyalty. Abstract being the operative word, especially in the matter of love. It was a hypnotic period where we felt as if we were doing something worthwhile, while all the time we were just being prepared to be docile little housewives. We learned to read books, and some of us learned how to write books, but we were all ineffectual. What we learned, more importantly, is to appreciate knowledge, again, in a theoretical sense. Still, the practical side escaped people like me. Most of us were unaware of the uses of all that knowledge to ourselves, how we could work it to our own advantage. It was always for others, especially those ideas of duty and loyalty to family. Add to that a pair of parents who got their high from giving the shirts off their backs to all in need, and found it very difficult and downright shameful to accept or ask for anything from others, all you end up is as a "good girl". All this, needless to say, was as opposed to the other extreme that is prevalent now. Now if we could have struck a golden balance,that would have been ideal. Instead we got stuck in that ivory tower. Humanities, old and new, are important to us, and an education in the Humanities should enhance the whole life and knowledge experience of the individual.

But what Epstein so rightly pointed out about the loss of that power of empathy, that terrible exaltation of the self, that is truly frightening. Again, this is not new -- ref. Aristotle and Alexander. I wonder how empathetic Alexander was. I wonder how empathetic those great musicians and artists were to the women around them. Or Winston Churchill. I am sure he had a pretty good education in the Humanities. I doubt if that helped his empathetic abilities! Nevertheless, it was limited to a few -- the choice, the education, the power -- now it may not be. Not that everyone would be powerful, but more are, than in the olden days. The mutation of the collective DNA. A natural progression in civilization, probably an apparent regression in “humanity”, which may still evolve into something even better than the old.  

And when we want to build a truly better culture, what better way than any is there but to base it on all that has gone before? Alter it, dismantle it, deconstruct, reconstruct – you have to know the old too at some level - the present experience or product could be  richer for that. For instance, an education in history would make a modern teenager stop and think before they declare that they do not like feminists, or that many issues are just conspiracy theories that grown ups hold on to for no reason. They would realize that the freedoms that they take for granted were won by the struggles of many who went before them. (anxiety of influence on another level in action?), that there is more to be done to cause real progress.Any education should ideally nurture our humanity, and if it fails in that, we are in trouble. Who knows these modern day mavericks may then reinvent the wheel in their own way.

See the video of the TEDtalk here:

College Students know nothing

To Die with Dignity

The Rest

The fact is that we all die. Sooner or later, for one reason or another, we die. Also, there are two kinds of death, mainly - the sudden and the long-drawn out, dragging on kind.The other fact is no doctor, whatever his credentials are, can grant us immortality. Now most everyone hopes for a sudden, painless death, but not many meet their ends that way.

Those facts are inevitable, and out of our hands, but there is one fact that we can control – to a certain extent. Here is where scientific advances should help us deal with it in a better manner, when the time comes. Doctors could help improve the quality of our lives, hopefully.The pain, if there is any, for instance, while nearing the end, and the way it all ends, can be controlled to a great extent. And then there is the other emotionally charged issue of taking care of the older generation, once they are totally bedridden, in the right manner.  For me, how these matters are dealt with, is a sign of the amount of  progress in healthcare in a given society. While most western societies have made great strides in some of these areas, societies like India are still enmeshed in the old taboos and fears and guilt, and shame. We Indians pride ourselves in that we take care of our old. Maybe it is true in some ways. However let us take a close look at the reality here.

 The grandparents are still important parts of the family. Many sons and daughters take care of their parents in their old age. But old age does not preclude just a sage wise person sitting in his or her arm chair handing out wisdom and memories, and smiling at the antics of the grandchildren, telling stories of old times.  Things could change in the blink of an eye, for as time goes by, that machine that is our body will go haywire. And the older person is struck down all on a sudden. What now? Many children and/or the spouse of the invalid still try to do their duty to the best of their abilities. After the initial burst of overwhelming help and support by everyone around, if he or she bounces back, things go back to normal. But if the condition deteriorates and the elderly individual succumbs to “real” old age, there will not be that many around – just the immediate family.  Most often, especially in my part of the old country, it is the sons’ wives who get that responsibility. Daughters, if there are any, visit once in a while, and depending on the situation, and their personal nature, find fault with the way things are done, or not. And they are supposed to take care of their own in laws. Needless to say the now grumbling daughter in law carries on the thankless job. Anyway nobody is happy. By the time the older person is totally immobile, completely bedridden, with or without his mental faculties, his condition has drastically changed from what was before. Soon he or she is relegated to a room away from the main activities. The toll of taking care of a completely immobile person with no end in sight hits everyone –  economically, time-wise, emotionally. In many households hygiene of the older person becomes practically impossible to keep up. Infected bed sores, the stench of bodily excretions, and above all, the agony, frustration, loneliness, and helplessness of the once able human being, and that of the care giver. I have seen many an old person who is emaciated, curled up in a fetal position, with eyes staring vacantly, sometimes howling in pain, and visitors looking at him or her with pity and wonder. That person has become an exhibit to look at, and to the pious, an example for what human vanity and pride comes down to in the end. The person is bereft of whatever dignity he had, reduced to a shadow of what he had been. No one thinks of the care giver, who most of the time, would be a woman, by the way. Sending them off to hospices, or homes, however comfortable and well equipped these are, is still considered cruel and selfish. It is as if we are throwing away our older people once we have no use of them. But we need to rethink these ideas. At least with our generation, when we have come so far, we need a better plan.

Let us take, again, some characters from my part of the world. Now I can understand that the doctors and the hospitals need to make money. But when we know that many of the doctors there became doctors because their parents paid the colleges hundreds of thousands, even when  the son or the daughter has no aptitude, and when some are really dumb, money becomes really significant. The parent has the money, so the children shall be doctors. And have to try to get back that investment and more, by going into arranged marriages. Again. money from the girls’ parents. But most of the time, this money from the girls’ family ends up going back to the girls’ family within a year. The daughter sees to that if she is smart. So what now? Squeeze the patients. What else? Ply them with tests, treatments, drugs – sometimes useful, at other times, not. Since there is no accountability in these areas, doctors and hospitals get away with mistakes of many kinds. But that is for the living. What about the dying?

Suppose I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer. The doctors themselves say it is incurable, as it is stage 4, spread to all areas. But then comes the double talk. In one breath they talk to you about “palliative” care and “aggressive” treatment, say, chemotherapy and radiation! Totally misleading, and contradictory. The patient’s loved ones are at that point grasping at straws. Hoping against hope, and unable to think clearly, they go along with whatever the doctor says. Like car salesmen trying to sell varieties of useful and useless warranties to the unsuspecting, vulnerable customer, doctors shove down futile treatments onto terminally ill patients. This is not limited to India – happens in the West too. Money may not be the only reason behind it. Adherence to traditional, supposedly more ethical thinking and a whole lot of complex layers of reasons could be acting here. But money is one big factor, like death. The only useful and possible warranties that the patient could get are to be free of pain, and to die relatively comfortably.

The only advantage here is for the doctors and the hospital in which they have shares. Here enter the tubes down all your orifices, the other main character, the ventilator. Recently I heard of an elderly woman whose husband was diagnosed of some illness and was under treatment at a reputable hospital in India. She had no idea what the illness was. One of those medical mysteries. Anyway the man slipped into a coma. The doctors had given up hope. They said there was no cure. Still, tubes were down his throat, soon he was on a ventilator. After two months of this, the man died. Meanwhile the woman had sold everything of value including her house to treat her husband. Now she goes to work in of our neighbor’s homes as a cleaning maid and lives in a room paying rent. So many questions arise, so much pain could have been avoided.

 Another case – A 75 year old nun fell. She couldn’t walk after that. Nothing wrong, the experts said. Soon she is bedridden. After a couple of weeks, she refused to eat. Clearly she was fed up of everything – the prayers, the mockery, the indignity, the great fall from who she was once, and most of all, the pain.  Reduced to skin and bones, and clearly depressed, she stopped talking or responding. Still they plied her with stuff for that complex, unknown reason. She was still in pain. Totally silent, except when she was screaming in pain, soon she lost what was left of her mind. She lay there curled up. Her refusal to get up and walk was seen as stubbornness, and an act of defiance against god. Her refusal to pray is seen as a sign of her inherently evil nature. In fact they shove prayers down her throat persistently, when obviously, all she wants is peace and quiet, and something to make the pain go away, and possibly, just to die. Pious songs broadcast all the time, Holy Mass droning on, on the TV set –what more could she want, her visitors marveled! Any sane person would go crazy in that atmosphere. Her pain is looked on as punishment for her sins, for her pride when she was young.  Her suffering is at once an exaltation, and an example of, the end of, the futility of  all vanities. And all this in a place where all the inhabitants are educated, where in fact they run a well equipped hospital with highly trained specialists. But since they believe in the sanctity of human life, she is still kept alive. Tube down the throat.  Must make them feel virtuous. It is also to show the nun’s relatives that they are doing everything to keep her alive , that they are not killing her off. Litigation is what they are afraid of.   This happens in many a layman’s home too. This is one way that religion  aids and abets that hope mongering business of the doctors. After all, we Christians exalt suffering, as if God is a sadist whose main entertainment is watching humans beg and crawl, and howl in pain.

 I know many including the above-mentioned doctors  wave the “positive thinking”, hope and will power flags. That is just it- waving. Not very different from the snake oil -charlatans who pretend to work miracles, exploiting the weakness of the common man. Once the body is ravaged by a terminal disease and when there are no cures in the offing, no amount of positive thinking is going to stave off death or pain. Feeding on the patient’s and his loved one’s misfortune and vulnerability  is not ethical. I know these “godly” doctors will tell you oh so humbly that they are not gods, that it’s all in god’s hands, (what's he doing here then?).And there will be his colleagues who promote the hype of a particular “godly” healer - so he could be god! or so we are made to think. So the godly person lets us go on suffering.  As if he can grant us immortality. They all share in the profits. All the while they do know when a person’s body is run down, when all his vital organs are shutting down, and that he is in intolerable pain, and that he is not  ever going to get up and walk around, fit and strong. If there is a little bit of humanity left in these healthcare professionals, they will treat that pain, and tell the truth as they know it. It’s up to the patient, the individual to decide when to go based on that knowledge. That is the scientific advance that I want. That is why we read of doctors who decide to put an end to their own lives when they know they cannot stand their own suffering, when they do not want to be a burden on their loved ones.

Money is in the prolonging of a life that struggles to escape. And now a days there is the waiting for the arrival of any children who live abroad. The patient is kept “alive” till these relatives can see him. It is as if no one cares about the suffering of the individual. For the past few months, I have been watching episodes from Herriot’s animal stories. That was the first time I had known about the TV series, even though I had known of the book.  I was touched by the kindness and love that those owners and vets shower on their patients. And when they know that an animal cannot live a useful life any longer, that it has to suffer pain unnecessarily that nothing can save it, they have it put to sleep, gently, as much as they can. Now I am not touting euthanasia here for all the sick people. Being human, I am talking about the individual’s right to choose his or her own end, and to be free of pain, when the time comes. By a sad coincidence I just read about the actress who played Herriot’s wife, Lynda Bellingham who stopped her aggressive treatments for the cancer that had spread to her liver. Just before her death she talked about the effects of chemotherapy that people are not aware of.

When we know that the end is here, we should be allowed to go a little gracefully, with a little bit of dignity. It is time to ask certain questions to ourselves, to the society as a whole.  And to answer and act accordingly without fearing what others would think :  Why aren’t we thinking of that time of our end here a little more?  We seem to be inordinately interested in life after death. Religions especially. But isn’t it time we thought about death? Its practical side?  Why do we exalt needless suffering? Why do we feel the need to prolong life that is insufferable? Can’t we show a little bit of kindness to ourselves? As it is now in India, one thing I am sure of is that I would not want to die there. Her fatalistic, cavalier attitude to pain is frightening. I will have to go live in a country where they provide assisted suicide to those who want it.

This is where “living wills” come in. The public has to be educated about the importance of having a plan for medical care when the end of life is near. A plan for dealing with death. while we are able to think for ourselves, we make that living will. Death could come at any time, to the young and to the old. Accidents happen. Illness, surgeries happen. We should be able to decide what should be done if things go wrong, when we still have our mental acuity. So prepare that living will today. Let us try to die in peace. To the religious, God would not want us to suffer. He or she would want you to take advantage of the scientific progress that human beings have achieved under said God’s guidance.

According to the Mayo clinic site,  “Living wills and other advance directives are written, legal instructions regarding your preferences for medical care if you are unable to make decisions for yourself. Advance directives guide choices for doctors and caregivers if you're terminally ill, seriously injured, in a coma, in the late stages of dementia or near the end of life.

By planning ahead, you can get the medical care you want, avoid unnecessary suffering and relieve caregivers of decision-making burdens during moments of crisis or grief. You also help reduce confusion or disagreement about the choices you would want people to make on your behalf.

Advance directives aren't just for older adults. Unexpected end-of-life situations can happen at any age, so it's important for all adults to prepare these documents.”

Besides that, our healthcare providers  should admit that we are nearing the end, when that is the case. The whole process, all the information has to be made available to the patient. Such transparency will make it easier for the individual to make an informed decision. Of course we should be free to seek second or third opinions, if we want to. But they have to give us the truth as it is, and we have to accept it. We all say that death is inevitable, but it is hard to look it in the eye when we are made aware of it. 

Related to the end is the treatment of pain. Everyone including the doctors must know the meaning of “palliative” care. At that time when we need relief from pain, we deserve total relief.  And that may lead to a quicker death. Let it be. The transition from life to death should be gentle, soothing like one is going to sleep. That would mean a lot more hospices, and care homes for the terminally ill, for the older members of our society. Humane, ethical institutions which are accountable to the society. And that would mean all the more responsibilities on the part of the society to make sure that they are run with the one intention of the well being of the patients. For making sure that they will be comfortable till the end. And we must realize that it is all right if we decide that we are not able to look after our loved ones satisfactorily. In fact we should be true to ourselves, ask ourselves if we are helping our loved one in the best possible manner. If we think that we are not, then we should seek help, without guilt or stigma. The State’s responsibility should not end with the death of a person, but it should include the process of dying. Each one of us should take responsibility for our ends when we can, and ease a little of the burden off our children., and try to help educate our still unaware countrymen.

 Please read the whole article about “living will” here:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/consumer-health/in-depth/living-wills/art-20046303